The Musical Note: A Death Note Musical
by Autumnstar17
Summary: A script-format comedy musical based off of Death Note. Songs are changed lyrics to pre-existing pieces. Co-written by me and Scottie.
1. Act 1 Scene 1

INTRODUCTION THING

RANDOM STRANGER (or whomever):

Hello and welcome to The Musical Note, a Death Note musical. This musical script thing has been brought to you by And Another Note. To learn more about us, feel free to visit our top secret headquarters at .com. Obviously, neither Death Note nor any of the original songs used are owned by us, so screw you. Thank you, and please enjoy.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

LIGHT:

This world… is ro-

(The notebook falls from the sky, smacking Light on the head.)

LIGHT:

OW, GOD DA… Wait, what's this?

(Music begins playing. To the tune of The Nightmare Before Christmas' 'What's This':)

LIGHT:

_What's this? What's this?_

_This notebook that I've found_

_What's this?_

_So strangely is it bound_

_What's this?_

_I can't believe my eyes_

_I must be dreaming_

_Wake up, Light, is this your chance?_

_What's this?_

LIGHT:

(reading) The human whose name is written in this note... shall die.

(A random person walks by.)

LIGHT:

Excuse me, sir, but could I get your autograph? (holds out book)

RANDOM PERSON:

Oh, sure! I trust you completely, random high schooler whom I've only just met! (writes his name into the notebook, tips his hat at Light, and starts to walk away) (choke, gag, dies)

LIGHT:

...Well, shit. It's real!

_What's this? What's this?_

_It says I'll control death_

_What's this?_

_It feels as good as meth_

_What's this?_

_I'll judge all those who have done wrong_

_They'll worship me as their new God_

_Clean this world up with a song_

_What is this?_

_What's this?_

_If criminals are evil_

_Then why shouldn't they be stopped?_

_If no one else can do it_

_Then why wait 'till I'm a cop?_

_At first I know I doubted_

_Oh, I couldn't believe my eyes_

_But now I feel like shouting_

_And it's filling me with pride_

Then it's decided! I will use this Death Note to shamelessly take out criminals one by one, and soon enough, all of the good, honest, hard-working people will start to recognize me as a god! And then they'll write a reality TV show about it!

SAYU:

(peeks head into the room) Hey, Light? Have you seen where I left my-

LIGHT:

(distracted) Not now, Sayu! Big Brother's busy enslaving the world.

SAYU:

(raises an eyebrow) Okay…? You know what, I'll just ask you later. (leaves)

LIGHT:

Now, where was I… (turns on TV)

_Oh, look_

_What's this?_

_I see you're on the news_

_Yes, you_

_The charges you refuse_

_You liar!_

_Just give me 40 seconds and I'll fix this_

_Jesus, Light-kun, you're on fire!_

_What's this?_

_What's this?_

_Oh my!_

_They've noticed something's off_

_But why?_

_They'd never understand_

_My plight!_

_They're talking of it everywhere_

_Although some think I shouldn't dare_

_I feel a change within the wind_

_So, now, correct me if I'm wrong_

_I am a God_

_I am a God_

_Oh, could it be I got my wish?_

_What's this?_

_Oh Christ_

_What now?_

_So Kira is my name_

_Killer_

_The word from whence it came_

_Not great_

_There's nicer words that I'd prefer_

_To murderer_

_My soul I sacrifice to take us one step closer to peace_

_What's this?_

_Soon criminals will be missing_

_No more nightmares to be found_

_And in their place I know there'll be_

_Good feeling all around_

_Instead of screams, I swear_

_I can hear laughter in the air_

_The hint of hope and change_

_Is absolutely everywhere_

_The thrill, the joy_

_And though I've been so paranoid_

_I've never felt this good before_

_This empty place inside of me is filling up_

_I simply can not get enough_

_I want to, oh, I want to_

_Oh, I'll write all their names down_

_I've got to show_

_I've got to show_

_The world this thing that I have found_

_What is this?_

Light crashes into Ryuk for the first time and falls over. (dumdumdum) He screams like a little girl and scrambles backwards.

LIGHT:

W-What the hell?!

RYUK:

Heheheh... I see you've taken quite a liking to it. And judging by how many names you've written already, I'd say you figured out pretty quickly that that is no ordinary notebook.

LIGHT:

Who-WHAT are you?!

RYUK:

I am the shinigami Ryuk, and what you have in your hand there used to be my Death Note.

LIGHT:

Sh-Shinigami?!

RYUK:

That's right. I'm a God of Death!

LIGHT:

O-oh, right, I knew that! I wasn't scared of you or anything! Haha! (pause) You're not going to eat my soul, are you?

RYUK:

What? Ew, no! That's disgusting! Is that some fucked up fantasy you humans have?

LIGHT:

Then... what are you going to do to me? I have your book...

RYUK:

Oh, I'm not going to do anything to you. Once the Death Note touches the ground, it is the property of the human world... or whomever picks it up first, I guess.

LIGHT:

So... this is mine?

RYUK:

If you don't want it, give it to someone else. However, if you do that, I'll have no choice but to erase all your memories of the Death Note.

LIGHT:

What? So I can use it however much I want and there'll be no consequences?

RYUK:

Well... you'll face the terror and mental anguish that comes with owning a supernatural instrument of murder. But otherwise, no.

LIGHT:

So let me get this straight: a strange God of Death has randomly shown up in my bedroom and says that this book will let me kill whomever I want, no strings attached?

RYUK:

I mean. That's not exactly what... well... Okay, sure. I guess you can interpret it that way?

LIGHT:

Seems legit! I'm so telling all my friends on Facebook~!

RYUK:

GOOD GOD, don't do that!

LIGHT:

...In person then?

RYUK:

No.

LIGHT:

My parents?

RYUK:

No!

LIGHT:

You suck.

RYUK:

Look, kid, you don't want that kind of attention. Trust me.

LIGHT:

(pauses, whips out his phone) Instagram it!

RYUK:

(smacks phone out of his hand) WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING SAY?

LIGHT:

Ugh you're just a big party pooper. I'm, oh the other hand, am a God. (sticks tongue out)

RYUK:

...You're just some prissy teenager who happened to pick up a Shinigami's killing notebook. Something tells me that's not the qualifications for Godhood.

LIGHT:

(opens the DN) But look at this, Ryuk! I've been passing judgement on all sorts of horrible people... (goes to his TV) Murderers, rapists... clowns! There are... a lot of clowns out there. (shudders) And everyone has realized that this isn't a coincidence; there's someone looking out for them, making sure that evil-doers get what they deserve!

RYUK:

You mean... like Superman?

LIGHT:

Fuck no, Ryuk! I'm Batman! But with better hair. (hairflip)

RYUK:

Heheheh... you sure are interesting, Light Yagami. How long do you suppose you can keep this up? What happens when all the bad guys are gone... and you're the only murderer left?

LIGHT:

(long, awkward pause) ...Party like a rock star?

RYUK:

Oh, boy. This is going to be fun. (talking to himself) You said you were bored, Ryuk. You said you wanted something to DO, Ryuk. Yeah well, you got what you wanted... (shoves Light down in a chair seriously as music starts) Look, you can't just go around offing people willy-nilly, kid. There are rules you've got to follow!

(To the tune of Aladdin's 'Friend Like Me')

_Sometimes a Death God's almost out of years_

_And that's why we carry 'round these books_

_'Cuz when we make a human disappear_

_We end up stealing all their time we took_

_You've in your hands our power now_

_But it's not as simple as it seems_

_There's a list of ifs, ands, buts and hows_

_Ask me how to help you with your dreams and I'll say_

_Mr. Light Yagami_

_Killing's never been so easy_

_You just get a name, then jot it down,_

_But you've figured that one out, I see_

_Hahaha!_

_There might be more than one person_

_Who goes by that very name_

_So just picture the face of who you want_

_And the one that dies will be the same_

_But if you're feeling a little nervous_

_Need a cause of death, but which one?_

_Hey, it's not my biz, but still remember this:_

_You've got forty seconds 'til it's done!_

_Then, Mr. Yagami,_

_The next six minutes are free_

_You can write a why, when, where, and how_

_It'll happen like it outta be!_

Now let's see... (counting on fingers) You'll need a name and a face, and then forty seconds later the person will die of a heart attack... unless you write down a cause of death! Then you'll get six minutes and forty seconds to write details of the death. But the circumstances can't be impossible and you can't kill anyone else but the person whose name you wrote down, and...

LIGHT:

(blank stare) Duhhh…

RYUK:

...Okay, nevermind. You know what the most important thing is?

(Ryuk demonstrates the power of the DN, killing off random people with heart attacks.)

_Can your books do this?_

_Can your books do that?_

_Can you pull this off without getting caught?_

_And can you go, BOO!_

(Touches a person with the DN. The person sees Ryuk, has a heart attack, and dies.)

_Well, looky there, haha!_

_Can your books go (writing) Michael Jackson, overdose!_

_And then make that sucker disappear?_

_So don't just sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed_

_This little book can put on quite the show_

_It's been tested, checked, and certified_

_You do it right, no one'll even know_

_Though I'm hardly inclined to help you out_

_Here's something else before I let you go_

_An apple or two will clear up that doubt_

_Toss one here and I will make it so-and oh!_

_Mr. Yagami, see,_

_Other folk ain't so easy_

_I don't want your loot, just gimme some fruit!_

_You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend_

_You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend_

_You ain't never had a friend like a shinigaaamiiiiiii!_

_Betcha never had a shinigami, ha!_

LIGHT:

So you want apples, huh? I can do that... (He finds an apple somewhere? and gives it to Ryuk, who is overjoyed.) Okay, Ryuk. Time to take over the world!

(Lights fade to black.)


	2. Act 1 Scenes 2-3

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

(Official-looking police-y place. Lots of police there and stuff. They're all arguing, shouting over each other about police-y things. Presumably. NOTE: The actors who play Aizawa, Mogi, Ide, etc. can double as Police #1-5 if needed.)

POLICE#1:

There's been fifty-two deaths already in the past week, all of them involving heart attacks. And I think it's safe to say that there are probably many other deaths yet to be accounted for.

POLICE#2:

It must be some kind of epidemic. There's no use investigating when-

POLICE#3:

Surely you don't think it can all be a coincidence? This many criminals dying of heart attacks at the same exact time?

POLICE#5:

Si! Donde esta la evidencia, eh?

POLICE#2:

But they're criminals! Most of them were on death row anyway. This string of heart attacks just means less tax dollars wasted on housing convicts when we COULD be spending it on much better things... like golf.

POLICE#3:

What does it matter, criminal or innocent? What of the falsely accused? Murder is still murder! This person needs to be stopped!

POLICE#2:

It's far too early to call this a homicide... Investigating a series of heart attacks isn't going to get us anywhere! If these people had been shot or stabbed, we might have something to go on but-

POLICE#3:

People's hearts don't just randomly explode in unison! Only an idiot would be unable to make the connection!

POLICE#2:

Oh yeah?! Well then how do you expect to go catching this invisible mystery killer, huh, GENIUS?

POLICE#3:

You tell me how to explain away what is obviously the result of organized crime, douchefag!

POLICE#2:

I WILL RIP ALL OF YOUR ORGANS OUT AND FEED THEM TO YOUR FAMILY IN A DELICIOUS MEAT PIE.

POLICE#3:

I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP SO HARD YOUR ASS WILL COME OUT YOUR FACE.

POLICE#2:

BITCH I WILL CUT YOU.

POLICE#3:

I SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE.

POLICE#2:

WHAT?!

(Police#2 flips a table and tackles Police#3. The two roll offstage. There is a tense, awkward pause.)

POLICE#1:

And on that note I think it's time we brought L into this case.

(Everyone gasps and starts whispering furiously. Lights dim on everyone else and brighten on Soichiro and Matsuda.)

MATSUDA:

Chief?

SOICHIRO:

Did anyone say you could talk?

MATSUDA:

But I have a question...

SOICHIRO:

(sigh) What is it, burden?

MATSUDA:

Who's L?

SOICHIRO:

Oh, you naive, ADHD child. (puts arm around Matsuda) L is the greatest detective this world has ever seen. We don't know his real name or whereabouts, or even what he looks like... but word on the street is this guy is bitchin'. He's managed to solve every single case he's ever taken on, and he's tackled some of the greatest mysteries known to man. (smacks Matsuda) Now go get me coffee, you useless excuse for an intern!

MATSUDA:

B-But Chief, I'm not an-

(Soichiro smacks Matsuda again. Normal lights.)

POLICE#5:

Porque todo necesitamos es uno mas gringo en esta pais...

POLICE#4:

I'm all for deferring to L on this one, but we don't even know where he is, or how to contact him! Besides, I hear that he is extremely arrogant and only takes on cases that interest him personally.

WATARI:

L is already on the move. (badass trench coat, walks to center stage and sets up a laptop) He has already begun his investigation into these incidents.

(Shocked whispering, someone says "Watari.")

MATSUDA:

Who's that?

SOICHIRO:

(smacks yet again) Stop interrupting. 10 points from Gryffindor.

WATSUDA:

(loudly) What the- (whispering) -heck?

WATARI:

I am Watari, the only known person who can get into contact with L. Gentlemen, if you will please be silent, L has a message for you. (Presses a button on the laptop. Nothing happens. Humorous button mashing ensues.) Damn young'uns and your confounded technology-machines... ah! There.

L:

(His L symbol pops up on the screen, his voice is distorted.) Greetings, all of you at the ICPO Copyright Symbol. I am L. As you just heard, I believe these heart attacks are not merely a coincidence, and I am already working to find who is behind these murders. In fact, I have a little experiment I'd like you to see. It would be greatly appreciated if you were all watching the news tonight at six. That is all. L out, bitches.

(Watari closes the laptop and walks away. The police continue whispering.)

MATSUDA:

Matsuda is confused!

SOICHIRO:

(smacks) Dammit, didn't I tell you to shut your whore mouth?!

MATSUDA:

(whimpers) Sorry, Chief...

(Lights fade to black.)

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

(Three sections. Taylor's desk, the "TV" is in the middle. Light and Ryuk watching TV and eating chips/apples are on one side. The other side is the ICPO place thing whatever. /specific)

(The stage is dark. Lights dimly come up on the police side.)

POLICE#4:

(walks on, sees TV) Hey! Toddlers and Tiaras is about to start! (picks up remote and chances channel)

POLICE#3:

(pulling the remote away) No way! You got to pick the show last time; now it's my turn and I'm not sitting through another episode of four year olds wearing more makeup than that prostitute I had over the other night!

POLICE#5:

Yo cree que este fue Japan? Por que quieres mirar blanco basura?

POLICE#1:

(comes up behind them, snatches remote and changes channel back) We're here to watch the news, douchecanoes! L literally just said something about that in the last scene. Now c'mon boys! Last one doesn't get any popcorn!

(All the other police rush in, pushing and yelling, and crowd around the TV like kindergarteners at story time. Lights come up on Light watching TV with Ryuk.)

LIGHT:

(laughing) Ahahaha! Oh my Kira! Ah, my sides hurt! Hahaha!

RYUK:

Heheh, this is the most entertaining thing I've seen all day. What did you say this show was called again, Light?

LIGHT:

Spongebob Squarepants.

RYUK:

Aw, man. This is great. And that squid fellow - classic!

(They continue laughing for a moment. There is static and then a voice coming from the TV.)

VOICE:

We apologize for the interruption, but...

LIGHT:

What?! NO! BRING BACK SPONGEBOB! (throws a piece of popcorn at the TV) BOO!

RYUK:

BOOOOO!

LIGHT:

BOOOOOOOO!

VOICE:

We now give you a live, world-wide broadcast coming from Interpol's ICPO Copyright Symbol.

(Lights come up on Lind L. Taylor at his desk.)

TAYLOR:

I am the head of an investigation into the recent series of mysterious heart attacks. My name is Lind L. Taylor, otherwise known as L. L like the letter L, not Elle like the name. I'm not a girl. Lind is short for Linda. And Taylor is gender neutral. I swear to god.

MATSUDA:

What is L doing, showing his face at a time like this? (is promptly smacked)

LIGHT:

Who the heck is this guy?

TAYLOR:

...Okay so MAYBE on the weekends I used dress up in drag and perform at a club for wealthy homesexuals who haven't yet come out to their wives, but that doesn't prove anything! (to someone unseen) I'm sorry, what? The cue cards? Oh. Right. (clears throat) All around the world, criminals are being murdered by a serial killer in what I consider to be the most atrocious display of genocide in history. I will not rest until the person or persons responsible for this crime are brought to justice. Kira, I will find you, and I will catch you! Like a pokemon! Or the common cold. I don't know, whichever metaphor you think best suits the situation.

RYUK:

Uh-oh... Light, this guy seems pretty determined. What are you gonna do?

LIGHT:

Nothing, Ryuk. He's making empty threats. In order to convict me, he'll have to find my Death Note, and as long as I keep using it wisely, there will be no evidence to incriminate me. I'm not worried. I just need to follow the advice of the great teen idol Zac Effron and keep my head in the game.

TAYLOR:

Kira, I can understand your motivation and what you are trying to achieve, but what you are doing is... evil.

LIGHT:

(jumps up) EXCUSE ME?! Oh, it's going DOWN! (grabs Death Note) I am justice! I'm protecting the innocent and ridding the Earth of evil! I'm the god of a new world, and those who oppose that world are the ones who are truly evil! (opens DN, begins to write) I guess you were just too stupid to understand, L. You disgust me. I bet you secretly LIKE clowns! (slams pen down) Now I'll show them what happens when you cross Kira... The whole world is watching, L! What are you gonna do now?

(Taylor chokes, gags, and dies. Light starts laughing maniacally as Taylor is dragged away. The police freak out. Watari comes back with the laptop and puts it on the desk.)

L:

Uh... wow.

LIGHT:

What?

L:

So, Kira. You're kind of a retard, aren't you?

LIGHT:

What's going on?

L:

This was a trap. Sorry. Not only have I just confirmed that you can kill someone without having to be there in person, but that man you just saw die on television? Lind L. Taylor? He was an inmate scheduled to be executed today. That wasn't me. He was arrested and tried in absolute secrecy, so it seems not even you, a self-proclaimed GOD, has access to that kind of information. But let me assure you Kira, I am real. L does exist. So why don't you try to kill me? Hmm? C'mon, what are you waiting for?! Do it! Pussy!

MATSUDA:

WHOO-HOO! GO L! KIRA SUCKS! TEAM L FOR LIFE! (smacked)

L:

Nothing? What's the matter, Kira? I guess there ARE people you can't kill after all. You've given me a useful hint. Here, let me return the favor. Remember how it was said that this was a world-wide broadcast? I lied. The truth is, we're only broadcasting in the Kanto region of Japan. I was going to play this video around the world until I found you, but that will no longer be necessary. I know where you are.

RYUK:

Oh, this L guy is good! Haha!

L:

Naturally, I'm curious as to how you're committing these murders without ever setting foot on the scene of the crime... But that can wait. You can answer all of my questions when I arrest you. I hope we meet again, Kira. L out, be-yotch.

(Lights go dark everywhere except on Light.)

LIGHT:

Well, shit.

RYUK:

Ya done goofed, Light. Heheheh...

LIGHT:

N-No! I-I totally meant to do this! See, I'm uh... I'm luring L to me so I can get close to him and find out his name. So I can kill him and stuff. Yeah...

RYUK:

That's a dumb plan...

LIGHT:

S-Shut up! You're a dumb plan!

(They hear stomping and a door closing.)

SOICHIRO:

I'm hooooooome!

LIGHT:

Oh! Dad's home! (runs to other side of the stage, "downstairs" in the Yagami home) Daaaaaddyyyyyy!

SOICHIRO:

(hanging his coat up) Yes, Light? What's wrong?

LIGHT:

Dad, you love me, right?

SOICHIRO:

(pats head) Of course! In a completely innocent fatherly way!

LIGHT:

Then let me use your work computer.

SOICHIRO:

What?

LIGHT:

I just have some... homework I need to... take care of.

SOICHIRO:

I'm sorry, son, but I'm working on a very top-secret case right now with one of the greatest minds in history and-

LIGHT:

(puppydog eyes) But daaaaaaaad...

SOICHIRO:

...Oh, fine. (hands Light his laptop) The password is "mysonisDEFINITELYnotKira1234".

LIGHT:

Thanks Dad, I love you! (runs back to his room/other side of stage)

SOICHIRO:

You're perfect in every way, my son! (sighs, wipes a tear from his eye) I am the proudest father in the world.

SAYU:

(runs in) Hey dad, I brought my math grade up to a B!

SOICHIRO:

You, on the other hand, are a disappointment.

(He puts a hand on her shoulder and guides a pouting Sayu offstage. Light starts typing.)

LIGHT:

My dad is so dumb... He's working on the Kira Case, and he doesn't even suspect me! Now I can just hack into his top secret files for the investigation and-whoa! (covers the screen and clicks frantically) Porn folder, porn folder! Do not want!

RYUK:

What's a... (leans closer) Oooh, go back! I didn't know humans could bend that way...

LIGHT:

No, Ryuk! They're not supposed to! (uncovers screen, clicks another one) Ah, here it is. Let's see what the police are doing, hmm? (reading) Twelve FBI agents from America were sent into Japan last week to investigate the origins of Kira... What? Well, I can't have that, now, can I? Thanks for including all twelve's full names and pictures, Dad!

(Light flips open his Death Note and begins writing. Raye and Naomi enter from the other side of the stage and the tune of Come What May from Moulin Rouge begins to play.)

RAYE:

Wow, would you look at that sunset, Naomi! Aren't you glad that after I'm done helping with this Kira case thing, I'm going to marry you and take you back to America with me, away from everything you love?

NAOMI:

Of course, Raye. (rolls eyes, talking to self) Or that's what he THINKS is going to happen...

RAYE:

I just can't wait. Can you? We're gonna be Raye and Naomi Penber. You're not gonna have to work anymore, y'know? You can just stay home all day, every day, doing nothing but cooking, cleaning, and producing my children...

NAOMI:

(laughs) If you say so, Raye.

_Never thought it'd be such a dork I'd marry_

_Maybe my parents were right before_

_I could do better, just look at me!_

_But every day I love him more and more_

BOTH:

_Listen to my heart, can you hear it beat?_

_Telling me to give you everything_

RAYE:

_Seasons may change, winter to spring_

_But I'll love you until the day I die_

_Come what may_

_Come what may_

_I will love you until my dying day_

LIGHT:

...aaaand, last but not least! (writing) Raye Penber...

(Raye has a heart attack and dies in Naomi's arms.)

NAOMI:

Raye, no! My fiance... please, someone help! Call 911!

LIGHT:

Thank Kira. I was beginning to get tired of that song.

(An EMT arrives, pronounces Raye dead, and puts a white sheet over him.)

EMT:

(puts a hand on Naomi's shoulder) I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs...?

NAOMI:

(sniffs) It's MISS. Miss Naomi Pen-I mean, Naomi Misora. Just Misora, now, I guess...

EMT:

Well, I'm very sorry for your loss Miss Misora, but... we need to move the body. It's kind of blocking the sidewalk. Maybe if I get the legs, do you think you can get the arms?

NAOMI:

What? Don't you have a stretcher? (looks around) Where's the ambulance?!

EMT:

Oh, there's no ambulance. I jogged here. The government made some cuts in the budget, you see, and well-

NAOMI:

Look, nevermind. Can I have a minute alone please? I'm trying to sing my emotional solo.

EMT:

Oh, sorry, sure thing. (goes to stand on the very edge of the stage, twiddles his thumbs and stares up at the sky, generally pretending to be occupied)

NAOMI:

_Suddenly the world isn't such a perfect place_

_Suddenly it stops its ever-haunting pace_

_Suddenly my life just seems like such a waste_

_It all revolved around you_

(She touches Raye's face through the sheet. The EMT grabs his legs and drags him off stage. Naomi follows. The police enter.)

ALL POLICE:

_There's no paycheck so high to make us even try_

_So we all quit, we're here to say one goodbye_

_We hope that L wins, and he makes Kira cry_

_But we have families, so find some new allies_

_Come what may_

_Come what may_

_I don't want this to be my dying day_

(The police leave. Naomi comes back out.)

NAOMI:

_My poor Raye_

_Kira will pay_

_I will hunt him until my dying day_


	3. Act 1 Scene 4

ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR

(Light is walking with Ryuk towards HQ. He has a brown paper bag.)

RYUK:

Where are we going now, Light? Will there be apples?

LIGHT:

Stop talking to me in public! No one else can see you, and I look crazy talking to myself... And no, we're going to dad's work to drop off his lunch. He forgot it at home today.

(They walk in and Naomi is there.)

NAOMI:

Please, I need to see someone on the task force for just a moment! It's very important!

POLICE#1:

I'm sorry miss, but they're in a meeting right now. I can take a message and give it to them when they're done?

NAOMI:

No! That's not good enough! I have to speak directly to them, right away!

LIGHT:

Who the heck is this lady?

POLICE#4:

Oh, hey Light! What are you doing here?

LIGHT:

Dad forgot his lunch at home. Do you think you could give this to him once he's out of that meeting?

POLICE#4:

Sure thing!

NAOMI:

Could you please try calling them again?

POLICE#1:

I'm sorry miss, but they're not answering their cell phones. Just let me take a message for you and-

NAOMI:

No, never mind. I'll come back later. (turns to leave)

LIGHT:

Excuse me, Miss, but I couldn't help but overhear you say you needed to speak with the task force? I'm the Chief's son and I'm sure I could help to pass on a message, if it's important.

NAOMI:

Well, I don't mean to cause any trouble.

LIGHT:

Really, it's no trouble at all! Better yet, I can let you call the Chief himself from my phone as soon as he gets out of the meeting. Why don't we just wait around for a bit outside? (sort of herds Naomi towards the door)

NAOMI:

Um… okay then, random child who I've just now decided to trust completely. It's just... I really want to get in contact with L. I think I have some information that he could use.

LIGHT:

Oh, please. L wouldn't want to talk to you; trust me.

NAOMI:

Sure he would! I've worked with him on a case before. He must remember me. There was even a little book written about it that no one's ever heard of.

LIGHT:

Is that so? (they begin walking down the sidewalk) I'm Light, by the way. Light Yagami.

NAOMI:

…I'm Shoko Maki. It's a pleasure to meet you.

LIGHT:

Always is. (pulls out his wallet and writes the name onto a piece of the Death Note) Anyway, how did you say you know L again?

NAOMI:

I just told you. We worked on a case together.

LIGHT:

(distractedly staring at his watch) And, um... exactly what case was this?

NAOMI:

(getting irritated) Not like it's any of your business, but... the Los Angeles Beyond Birthday murders. There were lots of puzzles and secret codes and stuff, it was all very big news at the time. You really should just read the book. It doesn't get a lot of sales, so...

(Light continues to attempt some awkward conversation as Ryuk begins singing to the tune of The Little Mermaid's 'Kiss the Girl'.)

RYUK:

_She says she knows L_

_Light's looking pretty confident_

_Kira cannot strike without a name_

_I wonder how he will ask her?_

_I see it in his eyes_

_As he spews out lies_

_He wants to kill this girl_

_Shoko Maki_

_At least that's the name that he wrote down_

_He keeps on staring at his watch_

_As forty seconds tick by_

_Something can't be right_

_It would seem that Light_

_He cannot kill the girl_

_Shalalalalala_

_Ain't that sad?_

_It's such a shame, too bad_

_Kira can't kill the girl_

_Shalalala_

_C'mon kid, don't get mad_

_That's a fake name you had_

_Guess you can't kill the girl_

LIGHT:

Ryuk! Shut the fuck up before I fuck you up!

NAOMI:

Pardon?

LIGHT:

N-Nothing! I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that.. eh-heh...

RYUK:

_You're getting desperate_

_Things are not looking good for you_

_How do you plan to find out what she is hiding?_

_You find me annoying_

_But it's the truth I sing_

_You will not kill this girl_

LIGHT:

We'll see about that!

NAOMI:

See about what?

LIGHT:

A-About, um... you... joining the task force! I mean, you say you've worked with L before, and we could always use smart people like you. (bats his eyelashes) Pwetty pwease?

NAOMI:

I-I guess... that wouldn't be such a bad idea? I mean, I do want to catch Kira as much as the next person.

LIGHT:

Wonderful! Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to see some proper form of identification. I mean, what good would it be doing business with someone I couldn't trust? ...Am I right, Miss Maki?

(Naomi, having been fairly clever up until this point, uncharacteristically pulls out a drivers license to show Light.)

NAOMI:

Oh, of course. I'm afraid I lied to you when I first told you my name. I don't know why, but something about you reminds me of L...

LIGHT:

(scribbles something down on a page of the Death Note) Oh, that's quite all right! All is well now. Smart move, giving an alias to strangers. The task force could really use someone intelligent like you.

NAOMI:

So, does that mean that I'm on the team? Just like that?

LIGHT:

Of course not. I'm Kira, don'cha know? Can't have you ratting me out or anything.

NAOMI:

YAGAMI SAY WHAT?!

LIGHT:  
>(reading off from the Death Note) Naomi Misora, suicide, three days from now. Hears something that depresses her greatly and leaves the country to kill herself in a place where no one will ever find her body. She also never says a word about Kira to anyone before that. The end!<p>

(Light skips off cheerfully as Naomi stands there looking horrified. After about a minute she stumbles off to, presumably, kill herself. Ryuk shrugs and continues his song.)

RYUK:

_Shalalalalala_

_She screwed up_

_She might as well give up_

_Light already killed this girl_

_Shalala_

_He pulled through somehow_

_Wonder how much longer, now_

'_Till he kills another girl_

_Shalala_

_Now I'll just float along_

_Continue with this song_

_Until I make Light hurl-_

LIGHT:

RYUK! Shut. The Fuck. Up, and get your apple-loving ass of a face over here!

(A random passerby jumps and looks at him strangely before running away.)

RYUK:

(pouts) Coming... killjoy.

LIGHT:

(singing softly to himself)

_Looks like I killed that girl_

_Killed that girl_

_Knew I could kill that girl_

_Kill the girl_

RYUK:

You're an asshole. But I'm sure you already know this.

LIGHT:

Haters gonna hate, taters gonna tate.


	4. Act 1 Scene 5

ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE

SOICHIRO:

So. There are only five policemen left… and they're not the ones assigned numbers to to tell apart.

UKITA:

Um, six! Why doesn't anyone remember me? Hello?! It's Ukita, guys! Come on, I've been working with you for three years!

SOICHIRO:

How are we going to catch Kira with only FIVE men?

(Ukita sighs and sits at a table behind Soichiro, forgotten. Whenever someone mentions the police, they motion to the others, ignoring poor Ukita.)

SOICHIRO:

No, what I should be saying is thank goodness FOUR of you were brave enough to risk your lives for justice like this!

IDE:

(raises hand) Actually, you blackmailed me into staying on the team, sir.

SOICHIRO:

Shut up, Matsuda.

MATSUDA:

But I didn't even say anyth-

L:

Five is quite enough. That's more than I expected, really. And anyhow, it's best that we weeded out the traitorous assholes from the investigation early on. Now we have more time to bond over the obstacles our adventure will present and come together as the love source that defeats the bad guy with sheer force of will at the end!

AIZAWA:

Well... about that...

L:

Oh, boy. Let me guess. You're the elderly cynic who doesn't believe in the power of friendship due to a dark and tragic past, but secretly has a heart of gold.

AIZAWA:

WHAT?! I AM NOT ELDERLY!

MATSUDA:

You ARE kinda over the hill, dude...

L:

Quiet, Comic Relief.

MATSUDA:

Aw man, why do I always have to be th-

AIZAWA:

ANYWAY. As I was saying, Mr. Mysterious Douchebag Leader No One Admits To Liking Until After You're Dead... I don't think I trust you. We're over here risking our lives by just showing our faces, while you hide behind a computer screen! You were one of the only ones to have the files of all of the dead FBI agents. How do we know YOU aren't Kira?

L:

...That is a stupid theory.

AIZAWA:

Well then, prove it wrong.

L:

I, uh... well I... (pause) Shut up, I'm smarter than you!

AIZAWA:

Maybe. But I'd like to see you outsmart my gun!

L:

Have fun shooting a laptop, motherfucker!

WATARI:

Gentlemen, please! (holds up hand until Aizawa sits back down) L...

L:

What? The old man started it!

(Watari turns the laptop around and starts typing with only his index fingers as the police whisper amongst themselves. There is a tinychat BLOOP as L replies, and then Watari turns the laptop back around.)

L:

Okay, I have come to a conclusion. Despite your general lack of intelligence and sometimes homicidal tendencies, I find myself trusting the five of you.

UKITA:

WHAT THE HELL. (headdesk)

L:

I am currently situated in the Imperial Hotel down the street from the NPA building. If you wish, you can come meet me in person, and we will continue the investigation there. Of course, you cannot speak of this or anything you will see or hear to anyone. Not your friends, not your family, not your co-workers. What happens in L's hotel room stays in L's hotel room. Watari will direct you to the correct suite. If you do not wish to meet me... I will be sad. And I will be very vocal about my sadness. However, there will be no consequences to your job or your part in the investigation if you choose not to come. Just… just my feelings. Any questions? No? Wonderful! Watari will escort those of you who choose to work with me. Until then, L out... bitches.

(The screen goes blank.)

MATSUDA:

Why does he keep saying that? (smacked)

SOICHIRO:

He's L. He can use whatever catchphrase he wants.

WATARI:

All right, young'uns, follow me!

(The task forces decides that they want to meet with L and Watari walks the group offstage. When they reenter it is now the hotel room. Watari knocks on the door. A minute later L opens it. There is a collective gasp.)

WATARI:

Good god, L! You have company over! This is no way to impress your guests!

(He begins frantically picking up pillows and whatnot and putting them back in their place. L doesn't seem to notice.)

L:

You seem surprised by my appearance? Because I assure you, sagging is all the rage these days. A twelve year old I met on the street last week told me so.

SOICHIRO:

N-Not at all! It's an honor to meet you, L! I am Soichiro Yagami, and this is-

MATSUDA:

Touta Matsuda!

AIZAWA:

I'm Shuichi Aizawa.

MOGI:

Mogi. Kanzo Mogi.

IDE:

Hideki Ide, at your service!

UKITA:

My name is Hirokazu Ukita.

(L holds out a paintball gun and shoots each member of the task force one at a time. They stare in disbelief.)

L:

If I were Kira, you would all be dead already…

MATSUDA:

Ouch! Is that… Is that paint?!

SOICHIRO:

L, I wasn't thinking that-

L:

But you weren't thinking, were you? It's a good thing you've got me to cover your ass from this point on.

(L walks back inside and crouches down on top of a chair. The others follow and gather around various seats surrounding a table in the center of the room.)

L:  
>If you don't mind, I would like it if you could all please turn off your cellphones and place them in the center here before we begin.<p>

SOICHIRO:

Do you not trust us?

L:

Not at all! I merely do not appreciate it when my train of thought is interrupted by a mobile devi-

(Nyan Cat is heard coming from L's pocket. He pulls out a cell phone and flips in open distractedly.)

L:

Oh dear, I nearly forgot to harvest my daffodils in Farmville. Watari?

WATARI:

On it. (he leaves)

L:

I'm sorry, what was I saying?

AIZAWA:  
>You were just telling us to turn off our cell phones...<p>

L:

Oh yes, that's right. I hate when people interrupt top secret meetings with their technology. It's incredibly rude and a disgusting habit and I won't stand for it.

(L texts someone, then puts his own phone back into his pocket, still on. The others look at each other before placing theirs in a small pile on the table.)

L:

Now that we've got that taken care of, I would like to announce how delighted I am that the five of you-

UKITA:

Six of us.

L:

-were able to make it. Together, we shall unite under the name of justice and put Kira's evil deeds to rest once and for all! Team L will prevail!

MATSUDA:

Y'know, I've always been more of a Team Jacob kind of guy.

SOICHIRO:

(slaps Matsuda across the face) You speak when spoken to! ...And if I were to acknowledge your comment, I'd be obligated to inform you that it's all about Team Edward.

IDE:

(nodding thoughtfully) No competition.

MOGI:

But... Team Bella?

UKITA:  
>(puts his hand on Mogi's shoulder) Ha. I hear ya, buddy.<p>

MOGI:

...Do I know you?

(Ukita fumes.)

AIZAWA:

You're kidding me. You guys don't seriously watch that crap?

SOICHIRO:  
>DISOWNED.<p>

IDE:

EXCOMMUNICATED.

MOGI:

BURNED AT THE STAKE.

WATARI:

If I may... Team Carlisle all the way.

AIZAWA:

Yeah, he is pretty hot. (pause) UH I MEAN-

L:

(buries his head in his his hands) What have I started...

MATSUDA:

Uhm, is it okay if I quickly use the bathroom? (whispering to self) This is getting really weird hella quick...

WATARI:

Second door to your left.

MATSUDA:

Thanks.

(The task force members continue chatting about Twilight. Matsuda gets up and, after stopping to stopping to figure out which of his hands was the left one for a while, he opens a door on the right that just so happens to be connecting the neighboring hotel room. Misa is sprawled out on the bed in her underwear on her stomach, facing away. Matsuda freezes in the doorway.)

MISA:

I gotta warn you, I'm not a cheap girl, honey. Let's start the bidding at two hundred.

MATSUDA:

I-I-I w-wh-wh-

MISA:

(looks over her shoulder and sits up) Oh! Well, you're not my client. Then again... I AM paid by the hour... (getting up and strutting over seductively) And you're not so bad on the eyes your-

(The door slams shut on her. Matsuda turns around to see Watari standing behind him.)

WATARI:  
>Your OTHER left.<p>

MATSUDA:

O-Of course! Sorry! (bright red)

(Matsuda disappears into the bathroom. L continues the meeting without him.)

L:

Is everyone quite done talking about Twilight? Yes? Everyone? Okay. In other news... I think that it is safe for me to assume, based solely off of first impressions, that none of you are Kira and I am happy to allow you to give me your full support. Now, as for the recent deaths of those FBI agents... It is true that I was one of the few to have all of their files, but I wasn't the only one. Mr. Yagami here was also in possession of the FBI agents' names and photographs.

AIZAWA:

Hey! Are you trying to imply that the chief is Kira?! That's absurd!

L:

Oh, no. Not exactly. I believe Kira is someone very close to Mr. Yagami. Someone who knows how to hack into encrypted files. Someone he would allow to use his work computer...

SOICHIRO:

Oh, shit.

L:

I took the liberty of stalking through all of your Facebook photos, Mr. Yagami, and I would bet good money that your son is Kira. And if you could just take my word for it right now this show would be over a lot faster and a lot of beloved characters wouldn't have to die.

SOICHIRO:

(stands up defensively) Now hold your horses, cowboy! How do you know I have a son, anyway?

L:

I must confess, before signing on to this musical investigation, I peeked at the cast list. The only characters listed there that were related to a task force member were Mr. Yagami's two children, Light and Sayu.

AIZAWA:

(whispering to Mogi) Wow, this L guy has a good memory.

MOGI:

(whispering back) Wait. There's a script somewhere that can tell us exactly who Kira is and how we can catch him? And _why _aren't we using this again?!

L:

Because, that would take all the fun out of it! Now... (whips some school records out of nowhere) I also happened to break into your daughter's middle school and go through her records... The same with your son and his high school. One of the only things we really know about Kira is that he is childish, arrogant, and hates to lose. With this in mind, your daughter's young age might've incriminated her... if it weren't for her grades, which are a trainwreck. I've meet mentally challenged homeless people who can read and write better than Sayu. No, Kira would not be able to stand being anything other than the best. Now, as for your son, Light Yagami... Perfect scores in every area, as well as multiple awards for flawless attendance, athletics, and other extracurricular activities. He must be a genius, if not a fictional character. Wouldn't you agree?

AIZAWA:

Well, I've met the chief's son, and while that's not exactly the word I would use-

SOICHIRO:

He's absolutely brilliant.

L:

Yes, this is the option that makes the most sense. As of now, Light Yagami is our number one suspect in the Kira investigation.

SOICHIRO:

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! My son is not Kira!

L:

We shall see. It's worth investigating, at the very least. I mean, the worst that can happen, assuming that he really is Kira, is that he'll kill us all before we are given the chance to arrest him. Am I right?

(L is answered by an awkward silence.)

L:

Of course I am. I'm always right. Watari, would you please have cameras and bugs placed throughout the current suspect's house? And I'm talking about the microphone bugs, not actual live bugs. We don't want a repeat of last time.

SOICHIRO:

Oh, and now you're trying to tap my house? Are you insane?!

L:

With your permission of course, Mr. Yagami. I just figured that if your son really were Kira, you ought to be the first to know.

SOICHIRO:

(He sighs and sits down again.) Very well. If you think that this ridiculous camera idea will dispel any crackpot theory that's gotten into your thick head and for whatever reason convinced you that my precious Light is Kira, then we may as well get it over and done with.

L:

And when the time comes, I shall try my best not to jump up and yell 'I told you so!' But, until then... (throwing his fist into the air) Team L, disassemble!

MATSUDA:  
>(standing a ways behind L) Wait, what'd I miss?!<p> 


	5. Act 1 Scenes 6-7

ACT ONE, SCENE SIX

(Light enters his room with absolutely no concept that someone's already been there.)

LIGHT:

Well, that's weird. I don't remember leaving the door open... and I could've sworn I made my bed this morning... And I certainly didn't leave a tiny security camera on the ceiling in the corner... But oh well!

(He dives onto the bed and stretches his arms out towards the ceiling.)

LIGHT:

God, being this utterly amazing all the time is exhausting!

(A small portion of the stage shows Soichiro and L huddled around a computer screen, watching Light from the newly installed cameras.)

L:

Your son sure talks to himself a lot.

SOICHIRO:

Yeah... I didn't notice it much before, but I guess he does.

(Light sits up again.)

LIGHT:

Well, you're certainly being quiet today! What's the matter, cat got your tongue? (chuckles to himself) Oh, I am just so silly! (play-slaps himself) So silly! Silly Light!

RYUK:

I hesitate to point this out... considering I already said that I wasn't planning on helping you one way or another... but now isn't exactly a good time for the two of us to be talking.

LIGHT:

Huh? What do you mean, not a good time?

L:

(leans closer) Is he... having a conversation with somebody?

SOICHIRO:

B-But, there's no one else in the room?

RYUK:

(sighs) Did you notice anything... y'know, different about the place? Perhaps evidence that someone's been here? Maybe a small metal device hiding behind your computer? And in your bookshelf? And under your bed? And in the windowsill? And-

LIGHT:

I don't get what you're trying to hint at. Everything seems fine to me.

RYUK:

YOUR ROOM'S BEEN FUCKING TAMPERED WITH. THERE ARE CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES EVERYWHERE. THE POLICE ARE PROBABLY LISTENING TO YOU RIGHT NOW AND THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO YOURSELF BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE CAN HEAR OR SEE ME, DIPSHIT.

LIGHT:

...Well gee, there's no need to get snappy about it.

(Ryuk begins to repeatedly bang his head against the wall in frustration.)

L:

(places a hand on Soichiro's shoulder) Well. A schizophrenic is at least better than having Kira as a son, right?

SOICHIRO:  
>(becoming suddenly concerned) All this time, and I never even noticed the symptoms. I must be a terrible father!<p>

(Soichiro hugs onto L and begins sobbing hysterically. L continues patting his back comfortingly.)

L:

It's okay. There's medication for situations like this. I'm sure your son with be able to go on living a perfectly normal life, with only mild intervention in the form of heavy sedatives...

LIGHT:

(muttering to himself) But if you say they've been listening in this whole time... perhaps there is still a way I can fix this.

(Light jumps up and begins pacing around his room, making exaggerated hand gestures and speaking in a loud voice.)

LIGHT:

If what you say is true, good knight, then we must make haste! The orcs shall be upon us within days, and my king cannot know that you have reached out to me for help, but I will offer it nonetheless. Look for my soldiers at the first light of the fifth day; there you shall find us... waiting to come to your aid! Waiting to come to your aid, armed with... with, um... (he pauses for a moment before breaking character) Dammit, I'm never going to memorize all these lines! Oh well, at least it's only for some stupid drama club skit that won't impact by GPA in any way whatsoever.

SOICHIRO:

(looking up again) Wait... so then, does that mean that he doesn't have schizophrenia?

L:

Well. I suppose not, if he was only practicing lines for a play, that would explain why he sounded as if he were having a conversation with someone that wasn't really there... Something still seemed off about it, though.

LIGHT:

(still talking to self) Okay, you're doing good, Light. Now think, what would any other normal teenage boy do while alone in his room? Hmm... Oh! (sees laptop, starts talking loudly for the cameras) Don't mind me, I'm just gonna continue being an average teenager now! I sure hope no one's watching me on any hidden cameras! (grabs laptop) Oh, look. I forgot to give Dad his work computer back the other day... That's weird that he wouldn't need it. Ah well, that's better for me!

(Light sits down on his bed and turns the computer on in his lap. Ryuk squints at him curiously.)

LIGHT:

All right, now where again did I find this infamous... 'porn folder.' (cringes)

(He opens up the folder and starts playing the first video. L slowly turns his head towards Soichiro.)

L:

You keep porn on your work computer?

SOICHIRO:

Sometimes I have to work late nights. (L raises an eyebrow) I get lonely!

(They both turn back to their screen. After about a minute Light chickens out, unable to watch any more, and shuts the computer.)

LIGHT:

Okay! I can't do this! (shudders) Y'know what, maybe I'll just finish watching The Notebook instead...

(Light picks up a remote and turns his TV on as he gets up to grab a bag of potato chips. He sprawls out on his bed and begins eating the chips violently without shutting his mouth as he chews. Ryuk walks over and sits next to Light, for whatever reason intrigued by the sappy chick flick. Lights turn off on their side of the stage as L turns off his computer screen.)

SOICHIRO:

Wait, what'd you do that for?

L:

Perhaps you were right. He is now behaving like any normal teenage boy I'd know... and I'm still waiting to get The Notebook on Netflix. I could never forgive your son if he spoiled the ending for me.

SOICHIRO:

O-oh, okay. But that's good, right?

L:

(getting up) Yup, normal teenage boy...

SOICHIRO:

So you can take the cameras and bugs out?

L:  
>For now.<p>

(L walks away distractedly, perhaps craving something sweet. Again. The lights fade on the rest of the scene.)

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN

(Light is in class when L enters the room.)

TEACHER:

Oh! Can I help you, sir?

L:

Yes hello I am a typical non-suspicious transfer student totally not an undercover homicide detective what.

TEACHER:

Oh. That's right, I remember seeing you show up on the attendance sheet.. Well, perhaps you'd like to introduce yourself to the class, Mr. Pitt?

L:

(he hesitates) No. Can I sit behind Light Yagami? I mean, that attractive male why the window who I've never seen before in my entire life and absolutely did not stalk pedo-style all the way from the bus stop this morning?

TEACHER: Uh. Yeah, I don't see why not.

L:

Thank you.

(L takes a seat in the unoccupied desk behind Light. The following couple of minutes L spends trying to get Light's attention. First he says 'psst' several times. Then he taps Light on the shoulder. When this doesn't work L tapes harder and faster.)

LIGHT:

(turning around) Jesus fuck, what do you want new kid?!

L:

Hi I'm… (looks at palm of his hand) ...Brad. Brad Pitt.

LIGHT:

Hold up, you mean like the actor? For real?!

L:

Yup!

LIGHT:

Oh my god that's amazing I'm such a huge fan we should totally hang out and braid each other's hair and play Uno and bake Betty Crocker cakes together sometime really soon!

L:

Alternatively, we can have tennis date together after class.

LIGHT:

Ew. Exercise.

L:

No? Alright then, maybe we can grab a bite instead.

LIGHT:

(dumbfounded) Grab… a bite…?

L:

(sigh) Go to a restaurant.

LIGHT:

Oh. Yeah, coolness!

L:

(looking away, to himself) Okay. So he's retarded. But that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't Kira.

(The school bell rings.)

L:

(looking up) Well that was an almost entirely unrealistic short class.

LIGHT:

(jumping up) Okay c'mon Brad I'm so excited squeee!

(L and Light exit the stage. When they return it has turned into a restaurant. They sit across from one another.)

L:

Okay so first off my name's not really Brad.

LIGHT:

(gasp) I knew it! You're way too Asian to be a beloved American actor! Americans are way too racist to stand for something like that. That's why as a main character of a manga that's also enjoyed in the states I can easily pass off as an attractive white guy!

L:

...Anyway so yeah my real name is Ryuzaki and I'm actually working with your dad and his harem on the Kira Case.

LIGHT:

Harem? (blink) That actually does explain what was going on in a lot of those Christmas party photos from last year…

L:

The point is, Light, we think that you'd be an excellent addition to the task force. Is that… something you'd be interested in?

LIGHT:

Um. I guess so. It'll look good on my college apps, right?

L:

Great. I hope you don't mind, but there are a few questions that I would like you to answer before I can tell you anything about the ongoing investigation.

LIGHT:

Like what?

L:

Like... Team Edward or Team Jacob?

LIGHT:

...Sorry?

L:

(sigh of relief) Oh, thank goodness. If your answer were anything else I'd have to punch you in the crotch.

(Nervously, Light pulls his legs closer together. Just in case.)

L:

Alright, on to the real questions: do you or any member of your family show signs of physical and/or mental disabilities that may interfere with the performance of your job, including but not limited to heart conditions, STDs, diabetes, sickle cell anemia, and/or a Messiah complex? (raises eyebrow)

LIGHT:

Um. No?

L:

Have you either traveled to a third world country or slept with a prostitute within the past six months?

LIGHT:

No... Wait, what does this have to do with the Kira case?

L:

Standard procedure. Please concentrate on answering all of the questions to the best of your ability. Now, what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

LIGHT:

African or European?

L:

...not bad. You catch on quick. And can you tell me what I would get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

LIGHT:

I'm going to assume you're referring to Harry Potter, in which case the answer would be a brew known as Draught of Living Death.

L:

Are you a god?

LIGHT:

(without hesitation) Yes.

(L raises an eyebrow at Light again.)

LIGHT:

I-I mean... "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!" (There's a long silence.) C'mon, Ghost Busters! Y'know, "I ain't afraid of no ghost"...? (more silence) "Who you gonna call?" No? Nothing?

L:

Might I remind you that this is a mass homicide investigation.

LIGHT:

(shifts gaze downward) I know... carry on.

(L pulls out a stack of cards with ink blots on them.)

L:

I don't suppose you've ever heard of a Rorshach test before?

LIGHT:

You're joking, right?

L:

Tell me what you see in these. (holds up first card)

LIGHT:

...A bunny rabbit. (L flips the card.) A butterfly. (flip) A kitten. (flip) Me punching you in the face.

L:

Ouch. Not a fan, eh? Alright, moving along...

(L replaces the cards with several photos and lays them out on the table in front of Light.)

L:

These photographs were taken of suicide notes written by some of Kira's victims.

LIGHT:

If you're sure that Kira killed them, why would the victims bother writing a suicide note?

L:

I believe that Kira intended to send me a message through them. Do you think that you could decipher it?

LIGHT:

(pulls the photos closer) Well, I can always try my darn-dest!

L:

Please don't ever say that again.

(Light stares at the pictures for a moment, every so often rearranging the order as L begins humming the Jeopardy theme song.)

LIGHT:

Well, if you look at the first words of each line you'd get 'With only nerve-wracking ulti-

L:

Try again, please.

LIGHT:

No? All right, then. How about the first letter of each of those lines? 'Wonk-uo, 'y did'l-

L:

Wrong. In fact, you were closer the first time. Try reading the first word of each line in the order that the photos were taken and going upwards as opposed to down.

LIGHT:

If you already know what it says, I don't see the point in-

L:

Just read it.

LIGHT:

(holding up photos) 'L, did you know... that Gods of Death... love apples?' But Ryuzaki, that doesn't make any more sense than the others!

L:  
>Does it not? Hm. I was hoping that Kira himself would've understood his own message, but perhaps I was asking too much...<p>

LIGHT:

Come now, that's not fair!

L:

But then again, I did forget to mention that there's a fourth photograph that you failed to notice.

LIGHT:

A fourth picture? How was I supposed to notice that one was missing?

(L flicks the new picture in Light's direction. He picks it up and sees that there is no date on it.)

LIGHT:

'L, did you know that Gods of Death love apples and Spanish soap operas?' ...I don't see the point of this.

L:

Don't worry about it... Kira.

LIGHT:

I am not Kira!

L:

Of course not. Either way, I would like you to join the task force with me.

LIGHT:

But you clearly think that I'm Kira. Why would you even ask me that?

L:

I have my... reasons. Although it's true that there is a 1% chance that you are Kira-

LIGHT:

But I'm not.

L:

3%. Yes you are.

LIGHT:

I know you are, but what am I?

L:

...7%. Look, kid, do you want to join the team or-

(Nyan Cat begins playing from L's phone. He pulls it out and answers.)

L:  
>Yes? What about the Chief?<p>

(Light's ring tone, the Banana Phone song, plays.)

LIGHT:

Oh, that's me. (answers) Hello? My dad what?

BOTH:

A heart attack... (looking up at each other) Kira?!

(They both jump up hurry out of the restaurant. The lights fade.)


	6. Act 1 Scenes 8-10

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN

(Light and L kick down the door to the hospital. Soichiro is lying a hospital bed with the rest of the task force huddled around him and watching fantasy football.)

L:

SOICHIRO!

LIGHT:

DAD, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!

SOICHIRO:

What? Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

BOTH:

WE HEARD YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK.

SOICHIRO:

Oh yeah. _That. _Must've been all those burritos I ate growing up. My doctors have been giving me shit about my cholesterol for years. It's nothing to worry about, though! Your old man will be back to eating deep fried klondike bars and chocolate covered bacon in no time at all!

LIGHT:

Uh. Dad, I'm not sure that's such a good idea, all things considered…

TV:

WE INTERRUPT YOUR GAME TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM KIRA HIMSELF!

MOGI:

What? No!

AIZOWA:

Put the game back on!

TASK FORCE:

Boooo!

L:

Shhh! (slaps a hand over Light's mouth)

LIGHT:

(muffled) But I didn't-

L:

SHHHH. (presses harder)

(The TV goes pink and is projected much larger behind the characters. The word "Kira" is scrawled across it in bold, cursive letters. Little hearts and flowers adorn the rest of the screen. Someone begins talking, but their voice is messed up and unrecognizable.)

VOICE:

Hullo! I'm Kira. If you don't believe me, turn to channel 81 and watch me kill this game show host that totally called me a this one time.

(Soichiro picks up the remote and does so. On the other channel a guy is lying dead in the middle of a stage and the people around him are generally panicking. The task force lets out a collective cheesy gasp. Soichiro flips back to the broadcast.)

VOICE:

See? Anyway, that's all I have for now, but keep on the lookout for more from me! Cheerio!

(The tape cuts out and the football game resumes. Soichiro shuts off the TV and the projected screen disappears.)

LIGHT:

Well, shit.

L:

My thoughts exactly. Friends, we appear to have ourselves a second Kira.

SOICHIRO:

Second?! You mean, in addition to the Kira we're already looking for?

L:

Yes. I already know without a doubt that Kira is a man, and therefore that broadcast we just watched was from someone else.

LIGHT:

That's a kind of sexist assumption, Ryuzaki.

L:

Well, we'll find out soon enough. I think I have a plan to draw this second Kira out… In the mean time, Light, do you want to work with the task force to help catch both Kiras?

LIGHT:

Weren't you literally just going on about how you thought I was Kira? Why would I want to work with you if you don't even trust me?

L:

Think of it this way: if you're not Kira, then you have nothing to worry about! And if you are Kira then refusing to work together will only make you look more suspicious so. Choose wisely.

(Light hesitates a moment before holding out his hand. L takes it.)

LIGHT:

Fine. I accept your offer, Ryuzaki. Let's do this detective thing!

L:

Whoo! That's the spirit!

(L pulls a party popper seemingly out of nowhere and sets it off far too close to Light's face. Light shrieks and turns away.)

LIGHT:

Ah! My eye, you bastard!

L:

...Whoops.

(Lights fade to black.)

ACT ONE, SCENE EIGHT

(Lights come up on a particularly kawaii girl's room. Misa and Rem are lying on the bed and watching the TV, which is again being projected much larger behind them. This time the screen is white with "Kira" written in bolded, messy letters. Again the voice is scrambled.)

VOICE:

That first broadcast you saw wasn't from me. However, I would very much be interested in meeting the person who made it. Perhaps if you really are as good as you claim to be we could find each other valuable assets.

(The broadcast cuts out. Misa squeals.)

MISA:

I don't believe it! Kira actually answered me! Now all Misa has to do is meet him!

REM:

But what if it's not really from Kira, but a trap set up by that team of cops out looking for him?

MISA:

Don't be ridiculous. I can read. Not well, but I can read, and that broadcast most definitely said Kira on it! Which means it has to be from him!

REM:

Are you sure that's such a good idea? I mean, suppose it really is Kira we're talking about. How can you be sure that he won't kill you on the spot?

MISA:

Oh, Kira wouldn't do that once I show him how helpful I can be! Plus, I've got the eyes on my side.

REM:

Just be careful, okay? I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to you.

MISA:

Like I said, don't worry about it. If anything doesn't go according to plan, then I know I still have you to help out.

REM:

Are you suggesting I write down Kira's real name if he tries anything?

MISA:

Well, that seems a bit harsh, but… in theory, yes. (She pauses.) But wait! If you kill someone to help me, then you'll die, and I can't have that!

REM:

Now it's my turn to say 'don't worry about it'.

(Sweeney Todd's 'Not While I'm Around' plays.)

_Nothing's gonna harm you_

_Not while Rem's around_

_Nothing's gonna harm you, Misa_

_Not while I'm around_

_Policemen are prowling everywhere_

_As Kira preys_

_But I'll make him help you_

_Since you care_

_I got ways_

_No one's gonna hurt you_

_L ain't gonna dare_

_Other shinigami may desert you_

_I'm not like them_

_Whistle, I'll be there_

_This Kira may charm you with a smile_

_For a while_

_But I'm sure_

_His book will never have your name_

_Not while I'm around_

MISA:

_Not to worry_

_Not to worry_

_Misa's awfully brave, but she ain't dumb_

REM:

_He might use you_

_I can't lose you_

MISA:

_Can't you let me have my fun?_

_I'll make sure his battle's won_

REM:

_L is smart but_

_Kira's clever_

_Where does that leave you?_

_You don't need them_

_But if you see them_

MISA:

_Then I can count on you_

REM:

'_Welcome_

_No heart attack can harm you_

_Not while Rem's around_

_And no one can arrest you, Popstar,_

_Not while I'm around_

BOTH:

_Only you can charm me with a smile_

_No denial_

_You're my friend_

_And nothing's gonna harm you_

_Not while I'm around_

(Rem and Misa smile at each other from across the bed.)

MISA:

(excitedly) Now what are you waiting for, Rem? Let's hurry up and broadcast a response!

(Squealing excitedly, Misa exits the stage. Rem follows. Lights fade to black.)

ACT ONE, SCENE NINE

(Light is sprawled out on the floor of his room. A little ways away Ryuk is steadily devouring an entire bowl of apples.)

LIGHT:

I don't get it. The second Kira responded to that fake broadcast L and set up the meeting place and time and everything! So why wasn't she there?

RYUK:

(distractedly, through mouthfuls of fruit) Maybe she knew L and the others were watching?

(Light lets out an exasperated sigh.)

LIGHT:

Being Kira is hard! Especially when other people randomly show up trying to do your job for you…

(There's a knock on Light's bedroom door.)

LIGHT:

Yeah? Who is it?

SOICHIRO:

(from offstage) It's your dad. The prostitute you ordered is here.

LIGHT:

(jolting upright) The what?!

(The door opens and Misa and Rem enter. Light scrambles to his feet.)

MISA:

(hugging him) Light-kun!

LIGHT:

WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT! (He pushes Misa off of himself.) Who the hell are you? And don't lie because I'm like 80% sure I haven't hired a prostitute in a good year and half, and that was for a… friend.

MISA:

(pouting) What's the matter, Light-kun? Don't you recognize the second Kira?

LIGHT:

Wh-you're the second Kira?!

MISA:

(nodding vigorously) Yup! I'm Misa Amane, or Misa-Misa, but you can call me Misa! Or Pumpkins or Dearest or Sugarbeans or Cuddlybear. Whatever floats your boat.

LIGHT:

You're insane.

MISA:

And you're Kira!

LIGHT:

H-How would you know that?

MISA:

Because Misa has a shinigami too, and I made the eye deal. And you don't have a lifespan above your name. (giggles)

LIGHT:

Prove it. Show me yours and I'll show you mine.

MISA:

Well, if Light-kun insists...

(Misa begins undoing her corset. Light stops her, grabbing the girl's wrists.)

LIGHT:

Death Notes! I mean show each other our Death Notes.

MISA:

(disappointedly) Oh. Well, I've got mine right here.

(She fishes around in her tote back and pulls out the notebook. Light reaches for it but Misa pulls back.)

MISA:

Nu-uh. You too.

(Light frowns and takes his Death Note out from its drawer. They both hold out their Death Notes with one hand and stroke the other person's with their other hand. Both Misa and Light gasp and look at the other shinigami in the room.)

MISA:

Your shinigami's so cute!

RYUK:

(waves) Yo. I'm Ryuk.

REM:

Rem.

LIGHT:

Well there you go. We're both Kiras. Now what do you want?

MISA:

I want you to be my boyfriend! You're a far better and more sexually attractive Kira than I, and I know that you don't have the eyes like I do, but if we work together we'll be unstoppable!

LIGHT:

How do you know I won't just kill you instead? I tend to work alone.

(Rem hisses and steps in between them. Light takes a cautious step backwards.)

LIGHT:

Theoretically. I mean.

MISA:

Rem, be cool. I know you won't hurt me because you need Misa's help. The only reason you haven't killed L yet is because you don't know his real name. Is that right?

LIGHT:

(skeptically) Why do you care so much, anyway? How do I know YOU'RE not really the one trying to replace ME?

MISA:  
>(gasp) Because Misa worships Kira and she would never do anything to harm him! After Misa's parents were murdered, it was Kira who finally got their revenge, and now Misa owes him everything! So what do you say, Light-kun? Do we have a deal?<p>

LIGHT:

(hesitant) I don't know. You want me to pretend to be your… boyfriend?

MISA:

Not pretend. You WILL be my boyfriend. And it's going to be great! Oh, we're going to have so much fun together, Light-kun! Going out on dates and killing people… (sighs dreamily)

LIGHT:

Well. I suppose if you do everything I tell you to this might work… You don't have cooties or anything, do you?

MISA:

Oh, Light-kun! You're making Misa the happiest Kira in the whole wide world! I could just kiss you!

(Misa throws herself at Light, laughing. Panicking, Light ducks out of the way. He and the others exit the stage. Misa stays behind as L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole plays.)

MISA:

_L is 'cuz me and Light is all I see_

_O is you're no doubt the one for me_

_V is very, very cute and sometimes even cuddly_

_E is even more than any one of your other whores_

_And love is what Misa will give to you_

_Love is all Misa asks to be given too_

_With two Death Notes we'll make it_

_Here's my heart; I swear to God, you break it-_

_Kira, show me what your love can do!_

_L is hardly good enough for me_

_O is only because you're so… sexy_

_V is for your voice to swear thee: someday soon we both shall marry_

_E is even if you don't agree Rem won't be happy_

_Since love is the basis of these crimes we do_

_Your reasoning's the reason Misa's in love with you_

_And I'll stalk you, not afraid to say it_

_If you hold me close then I know we'll make_

_The new world was made for me and you_

_In fact, love was made for me and you_

_Yes, love was made for Kiras too!_

_Love is what I'll shower unto you_

_Love is what bitches and their pimps will do_

_On your own you'd hardly make it_

_But now I'm here, there's no need to fake it_

_Love was made for me and you_

_Love was made for Misa and for you_

_Love was made for Kiras too!_


	7. Act 1 Scenes 11-12

ACT ONE, SCENE ELEVEN

(Task force headquarters. The others are roaming around the stage generally attempting to look busy while doing nothing in particular. L and Light are sitting towards the front.)

LIGHT:

Geez… We've been working on this case together for so long now, and yet we're not a single step closer to catching either of the two Kiras! I think I'm gonna step out and get some coffee before I pass out of boredom. (He start to get up and stops again, watching L, who hasn't moved this whole time.) Hey… Ryuzaki, are you alright?

L:

I was just thinking.

LIGHT:

About the case?

L:

Light-kun... I think that it is safe to assume that your are my first and only friend.

LIGHT:

Sorry?

L:

I said that I think-

LIGHT:

No, I heard you just fine the first time! I just... me? Your first friend? Like, ever?

L:  
>Is that not what I just said?<p>

LIGHT:  
>No, I know, but... First ever? Like, ever ever? Seriously?<p>

L:

(becoming annoyed) Yes...

LIGHT:

Wow. Dude, that's kind of depressing. You don't get out much, do you?

L:

Social lives are overrated.

LIGHT:

Okay, no! This is a problem that I must fix. I don't suppose you already made plans to stare at a computer screen all weekend, did you?

L:

Kira isn't going to catch himself. If I'm any kind of detective I'll continue to-

LIGHT:

Oh, please! It's like every other sentence out of your mouth is 'Kira this' or 'Kira that!' I mean, work is great and all, but you've got to live a little too!

L:

Do you think that distracting me from the case like this will somehow be beneficial to your cause? Because I assure you, it won't.

LIGHT:

Laser tagging! You, me, this Saturday. Suit up, it'll be fun!

L:

Why would I wear a suit to go laser tagging?

LIGHT:

Because, Ryuzaki, with your usual just-rolled-out-of-bed state I would be too embarrassed to take you anywhere. At least try to brush your hair, okay?

L:

...I feel the need to inform you that I currently hold the title of Ultrazone Laser Tag Champion. So do try to keep your ego in check.

LIGHT:

…Fuck you too. But nonetheless, challenge accepted! (He attempts to bro-fist L, who doesn't seem to understand how the hand gesture works.) Oh, I'm so excited now! This is going to be so much fun! Anyway, I'll catch up with you later, bro!

(Light waves goodbye and exits the stage. A spotlight comes up on L and the rest of the lights onstage dim.)

L:

(to himself) I don't know why I even agree to these sorts of things… It's like, every time that bastard is around me I get this weird awful feeling in my stomach. I'm SO sure that he's Kira, and the part of me that thinks that desperately wants to prove it, but at the same time… there's another part of me that wants to be wrong. And an even teensy part that's probably an extension of that part that doesn't give a shit whether he's Kira or not and just wants to spent time with him!

(L lets out a moan and slumps back in his chair.)

L:

(whiny) Why is being a famous investigator so complicated...

(L sits up again. Don't Stand So Close to Me/Young Girl from Glee starts playing.)

L:

_Is he Kira?_

_Light Yagami?_

_It seems so clear to me_

_He wants my_

_Name so badly_

_A murderer's fantasy_

_With all the charms of a detective_

RYUK:

_Oohh~_

L:

_You've kept this secret from your friends_

RYUK:

_Aaaahhhh~_

L:

_I don't quite get_

_My own feelings_

_This killer's clearly insane_

_I'm L_

_He's Kira_

_I should just stay away_

_Light-kun, I think I'm out of my mind_

_My fascination with you's way out of line_

_Better catch him_

_Catch him in action_

(A spotlight comes up on Light as well, who's presumably elsewhere.)

LIGHT:

_Temptation_

_Frustration_

_Why can't that L just die?_

L:

_Maybe we'll just kiss and make up…?_

RYUK:

_Oooh~_

LIGHT:

_Why don't you come out of your disguise?_

RYUK:

_Ahhhh~_

LIGHT:

_Hurry and keel over_

_Before I have the time_

_To change my mind_

BOTH:

_Before these feelings go too far_

_(He's/I'm) L_

_(He's/I'm) Kira_

_I should just stay away_

_God, (L/Light), you're out of your mind_

_If this is love then it is way out line_

_I'd better find him_

_Before I get behind him_

_He's evil_

_I'm justice_

_It's all part of the game_

RYUK:

_I really like apples~_

BOTH:

_We're not friends_

_I hate him_

_Why don't I feel that way?_

RYUK:

_How you like dem apples~_

(L and Light sigh sadly as the lights fade.)

ACT ONE, SCENE TWELVE

(Light is walking around somewhere outside his university with Ryuk.)

LIGHT:

What? No! L and I aren't like that, okay? We're just… two really good friends who secretly want to see each other locked up and/or lying dead in the street! You know. Like normal, not-even-remotely-attracted-to-each-other people. Besides, I have a girlfriend now.

RYUK:

Who? That Misa kid?

LIGHT:

You're right, this is bad... I can't suddenly get a girlfriend after years of celibacy just as the second Kira appears. Misa will look far too suspicious! L will bring her in for questioning and she'll probably blab all about the Death Note without a second thought...

RYUK:

...so the first thing you do is accumulate as many girlfriends as possible.

TAKADA:

Light! (clings to his arm) I'm done with classes for today. Wanna hang out?

LIGHT:

(looking at Ryuk) Yup!

RYUK:

You're despicable.

TAKADA:

So, what do you feel like doing? We have the rest of the afternoon to ourselves...

LIGHT:

Uh, I dunno. Wanna go to the movies?

RYUK:

Don't you think suddenly going from virgin to pimp would be even MORE suspicious? It wouldn't take a genius to figure out what you're doing...

TAKADA:

Well, I was thinking more like just relaxing at my place... somewhere quiet, where we can be alone...

LIGHT:

Uh... we can be alone at the movies?

TAKADA:

That's not very romantic... Or private, for that matter.

RYUK:

Are you sure you're not just stalling on killing L because he said you were his only friend, and now you feel guilty?

LIGHT:

(stops and throws his book off stage) Whoops! That just slipped right out of my hands. Do you think you could go get that for me, Takada?

TAKADA:

Huh? O-Oh, uh... Sure thing, Light.

(Takada leaves. Light looks annoyed and rubs his arm where she was holding it, then he turns to Ryuk.)

LIGHT:

Okay, let's get a few things straight, Ryuk. First of all, you're just a dumb shinigami! I handle all of the evil plotting here, so butt out! Second, didn't I tell you to stop talking to me when we're in public? And third, L is not my friend! There is no reason at all that killing him would make me feel guilty! He is my enemy, nothing more! I don't love him!

RYUK:

I never said you did...

LIGHT:

Well good, because I don't!

RYUK:

There's no need to get so defensive about it-

LIGHT:

I AM NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE! Stop it!

RYUK:

Stop what?

LIGHT:

This! This... ruining of my day! Who says Takada means nothing to me, huh? I happen to lo-like her a lot! And she's fun to be with and way smarter than Misa and... I am going to go out on a date with my girlfriend and it will be perfectly normal and I am NOT going to be thinking about L and I am going to be happy about it, goddammit!

RYUK:

Does Miss Takada know that she's only number twelve in your life?

(Light scowls and goes to strangle him, but Takada comes back with his book.)

TAKADA:

Um, it kind of fell in the mud. I cleaned it off as best I could... Sorry, Light-kun.

LIGHT:

Ah, yes. Thank you, Takada. It's fine. (throws the book over his shoulder and puts his arm around her, glaring at Ryuk) Did I mention I love you today?

TAKADA:

(leans away) Why do you keep calling me Takada?

LIGHT:

Uh. That's your name... right?

RYUK:

Heheh... Hard to keep all your girlfriends straight, isn't it?

TAKADA:

Do you even know my first name?

LIGHT:

Uh... S-Sarah?

TAKADA:

...No.

LIGHT:

Bethany?

TAKADA:

No!

LIGHT:

I'm pretty sure your name is Bethany.

TAKADA:

It starts with a K.

LIGHT:

Ka... Ko... Ki... KIMMY! Kimmy Takada!

TAKADA:

(sigh) Close enough.

LIGHT:

(proudly pulls her close to him again) See? I told you. We're in love.

TAKADA:

(giggles, charmed) Oh, Light-kun~ Do you really think so?

LIGHT:

Of course! We're practically soulmates. We'll be together forever. Nothing could tear us apart!

L:

(sitting on a bench a few feet away, reading a book)

Light?

LIGHT:

Whoops, gotta go! (shoves Takada off stage) Ryuzaki, what are you doing here?

L:

Uh... Isn't your girlfriend going to be angry?

LIGHT:

She's not my girlfriend, I don't know her. What are you doing showing your face in public? I thought you were scared of being seen!

L:

Yes, well. You're the only one here who knows that I'm L. So if I die in the next few days, I have instructed your father, the Task Force, and the other L's to assume you are Kira.

LIGHT:

What? The other L's?

L:

Oh, yes. Didn't I tell you? I'm not the only L. There are hundreds lined up to take my place in the event of my death.

LIGHT:

Oh, shit...

L:

What was that?

LIGHT:

Nothing, nothing. Hey, I think the cafeteria might be selling some cake, LET'S GO THERE NOW. (starts herding Ryuzaki away, mumbling to himself) Shit, shit, shit! If L dies now...

MISA:

Liiiight! (squeals and jumps on him)

LIGHT:

(facepalm) FUCK my life!

MISA:

Misa-Misa had a photo shoot nearby and decided to come see her Light-kun! Hey, is this one of your friends? He looks super-cool!

L:

Hello. I'm Johnny Depp.

MISA:

...What?

LIGHT:

Wait, that's right! Misa can see L's name! I've won! (Light quickly covers Misa's mouth) Haha, yeah! Just like the actor. Isn't that weird?

MISA:

(confused, staring above L's head) But that isn't the name I-

LIGHT:

Although, in his defense, Johnny Depp can do anything. So we very well might be looking at the real guy and not know it! (laughs and nudges Misa meaningfully)

MISA:

I don't get it.

(L starts chuckling quietly.)

LIGHT:

What? What are you laughing about? (to himself) Oh God, there's no way he could've figured us out, right?!

L:

Light-kun... I am so jealous.

LIGHT:

...Sorry, what?

(L grabs Misa's hand and bows.)

L:

Misa Amane, teen model and pop singer on the side. I've been a huge fan, ever since the March issue of "Eighteen."

(L kisses her hand, and Misa starts giggling.)

MISA:

O-Oh, why thank you! I'm so flattered! It's always wonderful, meeting one of my fans!

L:

I assure you, the pleasure is all mine.

(L smiles and steps closer, not letting go of her hand. Light flails and wedges himself in between them, pushing L away and putting an arm around Misa with a glare.)

LIGHT:

Okay yes, that's my girlfriend, thank you!

L:

Oh! My apologies. I didn't mean to be rude. I must've been so caught up in the rush of meeting (loudly) FAMOUS POPSTAR MISA-MISA...

(A bunch of kids walking by hear him and rush over to get her autograph, chatting about how wonderful and pretty she is. Light gets pushed off to the side of the crowd, and L gets shoved up behind Misa. Light fumes while L creeps on his girlfriend.)

MISA:

Oh, goodness! I should've known I'd get recognized with all of these young people around! Thank you all so much for your support, I love all of my fans! Of _course _I'll sign your things for you. If everyone could please just make an orderly line, I promise no one will be left out-EEP! Someone just touched my butt!

(The crowd parts to reveal L standing suspiciously close to Misa, his hand raised.)

L:

Wh-What? Th-This is an outrage! Unforgivable! I promise you, Misa, I will catch the culprit responsible for this heinous act, and I will bring him or her to justice. No one will be getting away with something like this ever again, not as long as I'm around!

MISA:

(giggles) Aw, that's so sweet! Thank you so much! (she hugs him and looks at Light) Light, you didn't tell me you had such charming friends!

LIGHT:

(coldly) I don't. (L smirks at him over Misa's shoulder) Misa, can I talk to you alone for a minute?

(Misa's manager shoves through the crowd and starts dragging Misa away by the wrist.)

MANAGER:

Amane, what are you doing here, socializing? You have to be at the studio in ten minutes! Do you want to be late again?!

MISA:

Oh, sorry... See you later guys, Evil Manager Lady says I have to go now! Byyyye!

(They leave, and the crowd disperses. Light glares at L, who smiles back pleasantly.)

L:

Where were we, Light? I think you were saying something about buying me a slice of cake?

LIGHT:

You go ahead, Ryuzaki, I'll meet you in the cafeteria. I have to go to the bathroom.

L:

Again? I suggest you eat more fiber. See you there, Light-kun!

(They start to walk opposite ways. Light pulls out his cellphone and chuckles to himself.)

LIGHT:

Stupid L... It was a mistake for you to come out here today. Now I can call Misa and get her to tell me your name. Then we can let the real fun begin!

(Light calls Misa and holds the phone up to his ear. A cutesy ringtone sounds from L's pocket. L pulls out Misa's cellphone and answers it.)

L:

Hello? Helloooooo?

LIGHT:

(surprised, slowly turns around) R-Ryuzaki...?

L:

Yes? Is this Light-kun?

LIGHT:

(long pause) Ryuzaki. That's Misa's cellphone.

L:

Oh, is it? I didn't know. I found it on the ground. I figured someone in the crowd had dropped it. I was going to give it to the front office, but-

LIGHT:

Ryuzaki, shut up! (grinding his teeth) Just... give me the phone. I can take it back to Misa the next time I see her.

L:

Okay, that makes sense. (hangs up and walks the phone back over to Light) Here you go, Light-kun. You should tell Misa-san to keep a closer eye on her assets. See you in the cafeteria?

(L starts walking off again. Light smirks to himself and dials a number on his phone.)

LIGHT:

Stupid L. You think your silly pickpocketing tricks are going to stop me? Misa has TWO cellphones!

(L gets all the way to the other side of the stage before the Nyan Cat theme goes off.)

LIGHT:

(spins around) GODDAMMIT, RYUZAKI!

L:

(holds up his hands) No, it really is me this time, I swear! (pulls out his cellphone and answers it) Hello? Yes. So it's been done, then? Good, thank you.

(Light is still glaring at him. The ringing continues for a few more seconds before cutting off and playing Misa's voicemail message.)

PHONE:

Heeeeey, you've reached Misa-Misa's cellphone! I'm not able to answer right now, but if you leave your name and number after the beep, I'll get back to you as soon as I-

(Light and L both hang up their phones. L walks back towards Light.)

L:

Light? I'm afraid I have some bad news... Well. Good for me, bad for you. Misa Amane has just been arrested on suspicion of being the second Kira.

LIGHT:

What? Why?!

L:

An examination of Miss Amane's bedroom has yielded evidence of hair, pollen, and fibres matching those found on the envelopes the second Kira used to send us tapes. Of course, news of the arrest of a suspected second Kira would cause worldwide panic, so I'd appreciate it if you kept this little event a secret. (pause) Light? Are you okay?

LIGHT:

(quietly) I'm fine...

L:

You don't look too good. I know it must be a huge shock, finding out your famous girlfriend is the second Kira. I think you should go home and lay down.

LIGHT:

Uh... yeah, okay... I'll see you later, Ryuzaki.

L:

Bye, Light. Get some rest, okay?

LIGHT:

Okay. (L leaves, and Ryuk floats up to Light) Did... Did L just outsmart me again?

RYUK:

Looks like it.

LIGHT:

For the second time...

RYUK:

Third, actually.

LIGHT:

No one's ever really outsmarted me before.

RYUK:

Well, get used to it. I have a feeling this L guy is gonna be around for a long time.

LIGHT:

I have the hugest boner right now.

RYUK:

What was that about him not being your friend?

LIGHT:

Shut up, Ryuk.


	8. Act 1 Scenes 13-15

ACT ONE, SCENE THIRTEEN

(Task force headquarters. Light enters.)

LIGHT:

Okay, look, I'm still not happy about you kidnapping my girlfriend or whatever but I can understand why you did it. So I decided to forgive you. (sits down)

L:

(thoughtfully) ...I think that Kira just needs to get laid.

(The entire task force looks up from whatever they were doing, their eyes wide. Light had just taken a sip from a water bottle and immediately spits it back out.)

TASK FORCE:

What?!

LIGHT:

(wiping his mouth) L! W-Why would you even say that?

L:

It's just a theory, of course. Perhaps if Kira had been more sexually active from the start, he would've been too preoccupied to worry about killing off a large percentage of the population.

LIGHT:

(defensively) That's absurd! I'm sure Kira's got his fair share of women lined up!

L:

Quality over quantity, Light-kun.

LIGHT:

What does that even mean?!

L:

Oh, I'm sure you know. The number of chicks one bangs is virtually meaningless if they're all soulless, vapid groupies. Relationships aren't meant to be a numbers game. I think what Kira is trying to do with this whole playing God business might be a desperate cry for help in his search for a faithful and lifelong companion.

LIGHT:

That's the dumbest stream of bullshit I've ever heard!

L:

Come, now. You don't really think that Kira is a happily married father of two young children?

LIGHT:

You know what I do think? I think that maybe he's too busy with the stress of being Kira in the first place to worry about a healthy relationship right now!

L:

Well, what if he just decided to stop being Kira? Do you suppose that thought ever crossed his mind?!

LIGHT:

Easy for you to say! You don't- (He pauses to recollect himself.) ...Never mind. It's not worth arguing over, anyhow. Think what you want about Kira; it isn't going to change anything.

L:

That's really too bad. If I were Kira, I would like to know that there's at least one person out there worrying about me, enemy or not.

(Light looks up at L, who still has his back turned to him. He bites his lip guiltily before turning away again.)

MATSUDA:

Are... Are we still talking about the case here?

(Light slams his water bottle down against the table and stands up again.)

L:

(looked up, wide-eyed) Light…?

LIGHT:

You know what, that's it! I know full well that you still think I'm Kira, and this whole abduction thing with Misa is just a ploy to try and get me to come out!

L:

I thought you said you'd forgiven me for that?

LIGHT:

Well I lied! If it'll make you feel any better you might as well just go ahead and confine me too.

SOICHIRO:

Son...

LIGHT:

I'm serious. I want to turn myself in.

(There is a collective gasp.)

L:

Really? That's wonderful! Luckily for you, I've already conjured up a written confession and all you need to do now is sign your name next to that little 'x' so that-

LIGHT:

That's not what I meant and you know it! What I'm suggesting is that I be confined like Misa. At least until the entire task force, you in particular, get it through your thick heads that I can't possibly be Kira!

L:

Pity. And to think, I was hoping that Kira was doing something right for once. Oh well, I suppose you may be put into confinement if that is what your heart so desires.

SOICHIRO:

H-Hold on! You can't arrest my son! Don't you need a warrant or something first?

MOGI:

I thought that was only when breaking into someone's house?

LIGHT:

Don't worry, Dad, it's voluntary.

L:

If Light-kun wants to have himself locked up, then I see no reason why we should fight him on this.

SOICHIRO:

This is my son we're talking about! I cannot agree with this! What are you trying to prove? That he's a murderer or something? You'd have just as much luck arresting Matsuda as-

MATSUDA:

Why do you hate me so?!

SOICHIRO:

I don't remember calling on you, peasant!

(Matsuda raises an eyebrow, confused.)

L:

Mr. Yagami, please. It would be silly to protest-

SOICHIRO:

Silly? I think not! My son is the one pure thing in this entire universe, and I'm not about to sit back and watch you all try and prove otherwise! Light couldn't hurt another person even if he really wanted to!

L:

Nobody's forcing him to-

SOICHIRO:

So have fun with your immature accusations! Go ahead and use my boy as a mere lab rat, but know that I can never approve of it! If he's going to be denied his own freedom, then I don't see why I deserve any better. Come and fetch me once you've run out of reasons to blame him for all this Kira nonsense!

(Soichiro storms into a nearby closet, slamming the door behind him. The task force exchange glances nervously. Light knocks on the door.)

LIGHT:

Dad...?

SOICHIRO:

I REFUSE TO COME OUT UNTIL L CAN LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY THAT MY SON ISN'T KIRA!

(L walks up behind Light and handcuffs him.)

L:

Leave him be. If he wishes to continue his temper tantrum until you are finished attempting to bravely prove your innocence, Watari will see to it that he is well taken care of. In the meantime, we shall find out soon enough if your father is right to have so much faith in you. I really do want to believe that your conscience is as clear as you say it is.

LIGHT:

(smirking) You liar. Things would be so much easier for you if I really were Kira.

L:

All in good time, Light-kun. All in good time.

(The lights fade as L walks with Light offstage.)

ACT ONE, SCENE FOURTEEN

RANDOM STRANGER:

After Light was put into confinement he immediately began flailing his legs about and making strange gargling noises, which Ryuk had no choice but to assume was the signal that Light was giving up ownership of the Death Note. As soon as he did so, Light immediately lost all memory of having used the Death Note. Light's condition didn't seem to get any better now that his memories were gone, however, and the task force was puzzled to find that after halting for several days the killing of criminals continued.

LIGHT:

(as seen from surveillance cameras and projected onto the back of the stage) ...and then the world went kaboom in a rainbow swirl of chocolately goodness! (erupts into a fit of maniacal laughter)

AIZAWA:

L, I don't think this is such a good idea. Light doesn't seem to be adjusting well to his new environment at all.

L:

(pressing his thumb against his lip) I don't understand... he was acting so calm about the whole thing earlier...

MOGI:

You don't really believe that Kira would behave that way, do you? Besides, the killings are still going on. Light can't possibly have done them in his current situation.

MATSUDA:

(shakes head) I don't like this.

L:

Very well. I will have Light released in another week or so... I think I have just the plan as to how it shall be done. Afterwards there should be no doubt as to whether or not Light is, in fact, Kira himself. The rest of you may leave if you have nothing to do but pace around looking generally worried over the situation at hand.

(The rest of the task force exits. L remains fixed on the screen for some time before Watari approaches.)

WATARI:

L. I don't mean to come off sounding insensitive, but I only say this as your friend and fatherly figure. In these past couple weeks I couldn't help but notice that you seem rather... distracted.

L:

(staring at the screens and hardly looking behind him) I don't know what you're talking about.

WATARI:

Come now, there's no use in denying it. It can't be just Mr. Yagami and I who have begun to suspect that this Kira investigation seems to be taking a more intimate approach than your other cases.

L:

(turns his head) You spoke with Light's dad about it?

WATARI:

If it's a life partner that you have begun to crave then I have nothing but support for you; however, I'm worried with the current decisions you're making. It doesn't take a detective to see that you are displaying certain affections for Yagami the Younger, who, might I point out, you said yourself was the most obvious Kira suspect.

L:

...You're not going to try to give me 'the talk,' are you?

WATARI:

Goodness, no! What makes you think I have any experience in that area? All I'm trying to say is that I think you should take a step back and think about your situation more before going on. Even I know that it won't be easy to capture Kira with raw emotions in the way.

L:

(sigh) I know, I know... chicks before dicks...

WATARI:

Chicks before dicks indeed. And never chicks with dicks, unless of course you're in Vegas and in the right lighting Joanne might just be a John in which case no one can blame you for making the mistake of... Well, let's just leave it at that.

L:

(not even listening to Watari) Or was it bros before hoes? Not that it matters, considering he falls into both categories! (looks back at the screen)

WATARI:

Just think about your actions before you do anything you'll regret, okay? ('Set Fire to the Rain' by Adele plays.)

_I let you steal my heart_

_And as you stole I rose to help you_

_You are L and he is Light_

_And I don't see how it will work out_

_Your job you do great_

_But you just can't compete_

_With Light, I would know_

_Without falling to your knees_

'_Cause there's a side to you_

_That I never knew, never knew_

_All the things you'd say_

_They were sometimes true, always true_

_And the games you play_

_You would always win, always win_

_But I don't agree with your choice_

_I watch you play at your own game_

_Well, it hurt when you cried_

_'Cause I heard you screaming out his name, his name!_

_When I helped you out_

_I could care for you_

_Like you needed_

_By your side forever_

_I could be your father_

_Nothing was better_

_But there's a side to you_

_That I thought I knew, never knew_

_All the things you say_

_Now they're hardly true, never true_

_And the games you play_

_You can't hope to win, cannot win_

_So I don't agree with your choice_

_I'd watch you lose at your own game,_

_It hurts to think you cried_

_When I heard you screaming out his name, his name!_

_I keep telling you to quit_

_But you insist you'll live at your own pace_

_You trust your heart, not your pride_

_I hear it calling out his name, his name!_

_Sometimes I'm just wanting to warn ya_

_That guy is just not good enough for you_

_Even now when it's already over_

_I can't help myself from looking out for ya_

_I know you've made your choice_

_To beat him at his game_

_And it'll hurt once you've died_

_'Cause I'll hear you singing out his name, his name!_

_I don't agree with your choice_

_Don't want to see you lose your name_

_Love cannot be denied_

_But don't forget that I'm here for you, for you_

_You could lose_

_You will lose_

_You just lost_

ACT ONE, SCENE FIFTEEN

(Light is sprawled out in his prison cell staring up at the ceiling, talking aloud to himself.)

LIGHT:

...Nine times three is twenty-seven. Nine times four is thirty-six. Nine times five is forty-five. Nine times six is-

(The tell door opens and he looks up.)

LIGHT:

Dad?

SOICHIRO:

Son, come, quickly! I've disabled the cameras for now, but we don't have much time.

LIGHT:

Dad, what's going on?

SOICHIRO:

I don't care if you're Kira or not. I had to do something. Now let's go!

(Soichiro helps Light to his feet and they leave the cell. After circling the stage, they're now magically outside. Soichiro ushers Light into the back of his car and gets into the driver's seat himself. Misa is already in it.)

LIGHT:

Misa? Do you know what's happening?

(Misa shakes her head.)

SOICHIRO:

(turning around to look at them behind his seat) L has concluded that you are, respectively, Kira and his accomplice, the second Kira.

BOTH:

WHAT?!

SOICHIRO:

He has plans to have to both of you tortured into revealing the source of your powers. But I won't let him get that far. (pulling out a gun)

LIGHT:

WOAH DAD CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND LET'S BE REASONABLE HERE!

MISA:

(clinging to Light) M-MR. YAGAMI SIR?!

SOICHIRO:

I'm sorry, but I'm out of options. I'm going to have to kill you both, and then myself.

LIGHT:

DAD, DON'T!

(Soichiro pulls the trigger and Light and Misa scream, shutting their eyes. Nothing happens.)

MISA:

(opening eyes slowly) W-We're still alive…?

SOICHIRO:

(letting out a sigh of relief) Oh thank god. (pressing onto an earpiece) They're cleared.

L'S VOICE:

Good job, Soichiro. You may release them.

LIGHT:

Now hold up, you mean to tell me this was all some elaborate ploy to prove once and for all that we're not really Kiras?

SOICHIRO:

Essentially. And you passed.

LIGHT:

(busting up laughing) Oh my god, Dad, that's classic! HA! You had really going there, didn't he, Misa? (He elbows her.)

MISA:

(still shaking slightly) Y-Yeah…

LIGHT:

That's, like, the best most funniest April Fool's joke EVAR!

(Light laughs so hard he begins wheezing and throws his head back against the car seat. Misa opens the car door and stumbles out.)

MISA:

(weakly) I… I think I'm gonna be sick... and quite possibly traumatized for life...


End file.
